Wednesday, May 22, 2013

Marriage – the facts you need to know - 44

Marriage – the facts you need to know - 44


·         You need to know that if she's crying because she doesn't like her new haircut and color, it's a good idea to hand her another $100 to have it redone. Trust me on this.

·         You need to know when your adult kids come home to visit, she will mother them like they're ten years old. If she didn't, they wouldn't come home.

·         You need to know to smile and nod when she says she always wants the kids to have a room to come back to.

·         You need to know you can't change her moods, her fears, or her worries by yelling at her. Men have tried this for eons to no avail.

·         You need to know she doesn't find your burps or expulsions of gas hilarious.

·         You need to know she's not a pyromaniac. She just likes candles. Lots of them. Lit all at the same time.

·         You need to know she'll tell you that you never say "I love you" though you distinctly remember saying it this morning. Doesn't matter.

·         You need to know she won't find pouting manly.

·         You need to know she wishes you'd make dinner every now and then. Even barbecued elk. Something. Anything.

·         You need to know she doesn't really want to know about all your fears. Maybe she can handle your fear of plagues. Maybe your fear of the color red. But not too much more.

·         You need to know a candle can turn a dinner of Campbell's soup into a romantic evening.

·         You need to know she may interrupt your watching 24 to read you a paragraph from a book written two hundred years ago. While crying. Tell her you love it.

·         You need to know if she's acting depressed, she won't just tell you what's wrong. You'll have to ask. Maybe more than ten times.

·         You need to know that, generally speaking, women worry more than men do. So there will be a lot of strange arguments around the fact you're not worried enough.

·         You need to know vacuuming the house can lead to even more fun than giving her a massage.

·         You need to know she'd really like you to shower.

·         You need to know to move all your exercise equipment to the garage even though it looks great in the bedroom. There's no alternative here.

·         You need to know that, although she likes the look of an unshaved guy, she doesn't want his face next to her skin. Yes, it's confusing.

·         You need to know to dress for dinner. You can't just show up in boxer shorts and think your presence will carry the day.

·         You need to know she'll think you're leaving her every morning. Even when you're just going to work.