Sunday, May 12, 2013

Marriage – the facts you need to know - 40

Marriage – the facts you need to know - 40


·         You need to know she'll keep 92 products on the counter for her to look like she doesn't wear makeup. Yes, they're in the way. No, don't touch them.

·         You need to know she really won't buy into the notion that men are the stronger sex until there's a noise in the house at 2 a.m.

·         You need to know that, for some reason, she'll think the pair of shoes that make her feet hurt the worst look the best on her. There's nothing you can say.

·         You need to know she doesn't want to compete with a game console.

·         You need to know you can't make her happy all the time, you can't please her all the time, and you can't understand her all the time. You can, however, love her all the time.

·         You need to know that if you leave the toilet seat up only one time, that will be the night she staggers to the bathroom at 2:00 a.m. and plops down in the toilet. You won't be able to run far enough.

·         You need to know women fantasize about divorce if they feel they do a majority of the housework. It doesn't matter if you're a CEO. She wants you to help fold clothes.

·         You need to know she'll put on lipstick before bedtime. She wants to look good going to sleep.

·         You need to know to hold her hand when she wouldn't expect it. Like in a football stadium.

·         You need to know to not try to control her spending. She's an adult.

·         You need to know a woman feels loved when she's cared for.

·         You need to know that the sound of you going to the bathroom and brushing your teeth at the same time scares her.

·         You need to know she'll feel jealous if she thinks you're ignoring her to talk to a pretty woman. She'll say she's not jealous. Then she won't say another word the rest of the night.

·         You need to know you can't fix an angry woman. You can listen to her, feed her, agree with her, and listen to her some more. Try and fix her, and it will be your fault.

·         You need to know she's not fooled when you try to kiss her and keep your eyes on the TV at the same time.

·         You need to know she likes your making passes at her. In fact, if you don't, she'll wonder what's wrong.

·         You need to know if you get in her bathtub, not to touch her bubble bath, skin softener, candles, soap, body bath, loofah, moisturizer, bath pouf, bath salts, bath potions, sponge, or her exfoliating glove. Really it would be best to just stay away.

·         You need to know her emery board is not to be used on your feet in bed.

·         You need to know she secretly believes that if you use her razor on your face, you will give her a staph infection. Somehow though, your razor is perfectly safe for her legs.