Problems in your relationship? Things aren't what they used to be like when you first met her?
Well, here is the ultimate guide to solving relationship problems–ten things you can do to end any argument and bring back the romance…
If you believed me, the joke's on you. Did you really think that there is a magic ten-step procedure to set relationships on the right track again? You might as well wish for a magic wand to wave at the problems and make them go away. They say getting into a relationship is like treading water at the local beach; one extra-large wave and even good swimmers might flounder. Bad metaphors notwithstanding, relationships do work out. If you're in a relationship rut right now, I offer some insights on how to deal with yours:
1. Undo the Expectations
They say a moderate number of expectations are okay to have. But don't most expectations lead to disillusionment? The word itself has a negative ring to it: 'expectations' are things one expects, which one often doesn't communicate to a significant other. Yes, if she loves you, you wait for her to anticipate your needs, and yes, if she really knows you, she should be acquainted with your wants. The problem is that most spouses have a hundred other things on their minds that might just take precedence over you, in a particular moment.
What makes it all the worse is that it is embarrassing to come out with it and state that one's expectations were not met, because that seems to be like relinquishing a little bit of control over one's own life. If I depend on you, that means I'm agreeing that you hold the symbolic keys to my happiness, giving you a feeling of one-upmanship? Not true! From a more rational point of view, expectations are just normal needs or desires that have been turned upside-down! If you were to tell your spouse how much it would mean to you if she did 'x', would she really do the opposite? They say the key to all relationship problems is communication. Well, I don't know about other issues, but it will certainly work here!
2. Try to understand your partner's CORE
This works for any successful relationship, whether business or personal—understand the other person's standpoint. Most of the time, couples don't know what really makes their partners tick. Once you get the other person's rationale, once you understand where they're coming from, demands that seemed unrealistic at first might appear more acceptable. Yes, she might be impractical and impetuous, but what if the problem at hand is neither black nor white…if both opinions are right, from different perspectives?
What is most difficult in an argument is to get off one's high horse, because if I accept her point of view, I'm buckling in, aren't I? Not always, say psychologists and counselors: do you love the person even if you disagree with her viewpoint? If you can get under your partner's skin, if you can honestly appreciate the person she really is, you will agree that she might just be right. In any case, just the fact that you're willing to look at it from her point of view might make her change her mind completely!
3. Accept that not even identical twins agree about everything
Most disagreements and relationship problems stem from the simplistic fact that different people perceive things differently. Not just in a glass half full-half empty sort of way, but also in a how-many-shades-are-there-between-black-and-white way. If everyone's right, everyone must also be wrong to some extent. If your point of view seems important enough to defend, ask yourself this: what about your partner makes you want to stick to your guns to the death? Are you really fighting about the problem at hand, or are there other issues below the surface that make you determined to win this 'round'?
Ever thought about the word 'tolerance'? It has a positive ring to it, with dark, subtle undertones of condescension. 'Acceptance', on the other hand, has a completely beatific ring to it, but it's earth-shatteringly difficult to show, especially since the other person seems so intent on changing things about you that she doesn't like. Ask yourself whether you both are fighting mainly because one of you has reached the limit of your patience and cannot tolerate the small stuff anymore?
4. Connect with who you really are
Sometimes anger towards your partner can be your subconscious mind's way of sending you an important message: that all is not hunky-dory. Try this exercise—ask yourself whether the matter you disagree about will still be important to you five years from now. When you think of it this way, you have only one life to live. Are you more passionate about the argument or about your partner? There are several issues that are so close to your heart that you cannot let go of them, and if your partner has an opposite view, is the relationship worth preserving? If your circles of interest don't overlap, if you both don't bring out the best in one another, maybe your partner isn't your soulmate after all.
They say every argument tells us about ourselves. Behavioural psychologists and face readers claim to be able to understand your personality from the issues you choose to take a stand on. If you can take a step behind and analyze every major relationship hurdle, you might save yourself the grief of marrying the wrong person.
