LET'S IMPROVE OUR RELATIONSHIPS Any relationship between couples, parents and children, siblings, friends or colleagues involves two people, two human beings, neither of whom is perfect. To err is human, as we all know. We have our sins of omission and commission, through which we hurt each other. Just think of all the actions that strain a relationship – lying, cheating, indifference, apathy, shirking our responsibilities, shifting our blame on to the other person, use of abusive language, violence and betrayal. Alas, the bitter truth is that all this happens, not between strangers, but between two people who are very very close to each other. Such acts cause emotional injuries which do not heal easily. And relationships are jeopardized. We need to practice the art of forgiveness if we wish to restore our relationships. No emotional hurt can be unforgivable. With a little effort, we can put them behind us to effect a reconciliation with our loved ones and friends, thus restoring peace within our minds and hearts. Forgiveness, as in contrast to retaliation, is not an instinctive or spontaneous impulse. If we are hurt, almost as a reflex, we are conditioned to think, "I'll fight back – I'll do to you what you did to me." On the other hand, forgiveness has to be cultivated. It is a well considered, well-thought out emotional choice that we make to forgive freely, those who have hurt us. For as we all realize, forgiveness does not just consist of mouthing the words, "I forgive you." It involves letting go of anger, resentment, hurt and bitterness. It allows us to heat the other – and be healed ourselves in the process. Happily for most of us, we will never have to face the situation of forgiving a rapist or murderer. However, every day we face the need to forgive a spouse, a parent, a child, a colleague, a friend, a neighbour, or even a perfect stranger. This is no easy task either. People find it is easier to forgive a stranger or an acquaintance than to forgive a friend or relative, someone whom we know and trust. At such times, we can only tell ourselves that in the end, we are not responsible for what others do to us – only for what we do to them. There is another important fact that we often overlook in emotional disputes with those who are close to us. Rarely is a dispute one-sided. Somewhere, somehow, we have a share in what we regard as an offence against ourselves. However, in our grief and hurt, we become blind to our own faults, while we magnify the faults of others. A little reflection, a period of calm introspection, and a little humility will set the balance right. As C.S. Lewis, "To love at all is to be vulnerable. The only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all dangers and perturbations of love is Hell." Mother Theresa once said: "People ask me what advice I have for a married couple struggling in their relationship. I always answer: Pray and forgive. And to young people from violent homes, I say: pray and forgive. And, even to the single mother with no family support: pray and forgive." A happy and successful marriage is a continuous exercise in forgiveness, patience, tolerance and mutual understanding. Unless a husband and wife learn to forgive and forget constantly, their marriage will become a series of recriminations. It is requires humility and courageous acknowledgement of our own failings, to apologize to a spouse. And yet this is what makes a marriage happy. I always say to married couple of my acquaintance, "Don't let the sun set on your quarrel. And if you should quarrel late at night, don't let the sun rise on your quarrel." Yes, a loving husband and wife have to forgive each other almost daily!!! Author: J.P. Vaswani |
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