Marriage – the facts you need to know - 44

Marriage – the facts you need to know - 44

 

·         You need to know that if she's crying because she doesn't like her new haircut and color, it's a good idea to hand her another $100 to have it redone. Trust me on this.

·         You need to know when your adult kids come home to visit, she will mother them like they're ten years old. If she didn't, they wouldn't come home.

·         You need to know to smile and nod when she says she always wants the kids to have a room to come back to.

·         You need to know you can't change her moods, her fears, or her worries by yelling at her. Men have tried this for eons to no avail.

·         You need to know she doesn't find your burps or expulsions of gas hilarious.

·         You need to know she's not a pyromaniac. She just likes candles. Lots of them. Lit all at the same time.

·         You need to know she'll tell you that you never say "I love you" though you distinctly remember saying it this morning. Doesn't matter.

·         You need to know she won't find pouting manly.

·         You need to know she wishes you'd make dinner every now and then. Even barbecued elk. Something. Anything.

·         You need to know she doesn't really want to know about all your fears. Maybe she can handle your fear of plagues. Maybe your fear of the color red. But not too much more.

·         You need to know a candle can turn a dinner of Campbell's soup into a romantic evening.

·         You need to know she may interrupt your watching 24 to read you a paragraph from a book written two hundred years ago. While crying. Tell her you love it.

·         You need to know if she's acting depressed, she won't just tell you what's wrong. You'll have to ask. Maybe more than ten times.

·         You need to know that, generally speaking, women worry more than men do. So there will be a lot of strange arguments around the fact you're not worried enough.

·         You need to know vacuuming the house can lead to even more fun than giving her a massage.

·         You need to know she'd really like you to shower.

·         You need to know to move all your exercise equipment to the garage even though it looks great in the bedroom. There's no alternative here.

·         You need to know that, although she likes the look of an unshaved guy, she doesn't want his face next to her skin. Yes, it's confusing.

·         You need to know to dress for dinner. You can't just show up in boxer shorts and think your presence will carry the day.

·         You need to know she'll think you're leaving her every morning. Even when you're just going to work.

 

Marriage – the facts you need to know - 43

Marriage – the facts you need to know - 43

 

·         You need to know she will be stunned to come home to a candlelight dinner served on the fine china. So stunned that amazing things will happen later in the evening.

·         You need to know that a wife who feels taken for granted is a wife who may start looking for another man who makes her feel desirable and wanted.

·         You need to know the answer to her question "What are you thinking?" should always, always, always be "How beautiful you are."

·         You need to know to send her flowers with a truly sappy card for no real reason.

·         You need to know any wife who asks, "Do you love me?" wants a one-word answer. Don't elaborate. ("Yes, though I wish you'd cut your hair like the trainee in legal . . ." Don't go there.)

·         You need to know from this point on no other girl is pretty. The very best looking are "not bad."

·         You need to use deodorant. And floss.

·         You need to know she will care deeply about things that mystify you. Like accent pillows. And bedspreads. Don't ask.

·         You need to know she thinks your back and chest are too hairy. And she wants to shave them.

·         You need to know watching a sunset instead of TV can help you learn more about what's going on with her.

·         You need to know to buy her an extravagant gift every now and then for no reason at all. It says all the things you've neglected to. It might make up for taking her to Hooters on your anniversary.

·         You need to know she'll want to talk about her feelings: her feelings about the future, her feelings about spaghetti, her feelings about her ex best friend in junior high. Though you'd rather pull out your teeth one at a time, sit down and listen.

·         You need to know that even though she loves you, you could use some improvement. Like your clothes. Who bought them for you? Your ex girlfriend?

·         You need to know that, unless requested, she doesn't want your help in the kitchen. Just your company.

·         You need to know a perfectly sane woman can have seven different moods in one hour. You can't control them. Heck, she can't even control them.

·         You need to know there's something genetic in a woman that makes her cook soup when you or your kids are sick.

·         You need to know that, even after twenty-five years, she'll still sometimes worry if you really love her.

·         You need to know that in any twenty-four-hour period, she could be worried about finances, about her parents enjoying retirement, about her children's refusal to get married, about her dog's happiness and about your apparent blindness to dirty clothes on the floor. One right after another.

·         You need to know you're going to like her new haircut. Even though you haven't seen it. You like it.

 

Marriage – the facts you need to know - 42

Marriage – the facts you need to know - 42

 

·        You need to know to hug her even when she's mad and telling you not to touch her.

·        You need to know to buy her a diamond. Even if you have to wait twenty years to afford the right one.

·        You need to know that, for some reason, women aren't huge fans of movies that involve explosions, car chases, helicopters, gunfights, karate, or girls in swimsuits. Yes, that's weird.

·        You need to know women like to make lists. And just when you think everything on that list is checked off, she'll make another list.

·        You need to know she's not going to want to name her child after a state, a motorcycle, or an English soccer team.

·        You need to know that just because she's a she, she may not know how to sew.

·        You need to know you can't wash your jeans and shorts with her underwear. Who knows why. . . .

·        You need to know it's not always her hormones. You might actually be at fault.

·        You need to know that women, for some reason, care that the bed is made.

·        You need to know to talk to her about more things than how tough your day was and that she's spending too much money.

·        You need to know that lighting a scented candle before she wakes up sets a nice tone for the day.

·        You need to know she will paint the house the color she likes. Your best move is to smile and nod.

·        You need to know how to clean the kitchen. Really, life will be smoother.

·        You need to know that she needs to know she's the most important thing in your life. For some reason, that's easy for women to forget.

·        You need to know to make a pass at her when you're at the movies. Of course you'll get shot down, but you knew the odds were slim anyway.

·        You need to know she'd like you to change T-shirts. In fact, it may be time to throw that fifteen-year-old shirt away.

·        You need to know your feet, your gym socks, and your tennis shoes smell. Don't take it personally when she mentions it.

·        You need to know when she screams at you to slow down, she's not criticizing. She's afraid of pain and death.

·        You need to know the answer to the question "Do I look fat?" is always "No." Always. Always. (For extra credit, you could add, "Actually, I think you could use a few more pounds.")

·        You need to know if you're upset because dinner isn't ready when you get home, you haven't spent enough time doing your wife's job.

 

Marriage – the facts you need to know – 41

Marriage – the facts you need to know – 41

 

·         You need to know she won't appreciate the Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition like you do.

·         You need to know she's not going to wear revealing lingerie around the house all the time. Only in your dreams.

·         You need to know you can't buy her happiness. So have a plan B.

·         You need to know if she has a fight with her mom, don't take sides. In fact, go outside.

·         You need to know that if she's criticizing another woman, you're safest play is to smile and agree.

·         You need to know that what women want from their husbands is confidence that everything is going to be all right.

·         You need to know she might not like all your friends. In fact, if she likes one or two of them, count yourself lucky.

·         You need to know that you looking like Arnold Schwarzenegger will be much more important to you than to her.

·         You need to know a woman's intrinsic nature is to guard her nest. Anything that threatens that nest will turn her into an enraged, furious, AK-47 packing kamikaze pilot. It's best to get out of the way.

·         You need to know diapers don't smell any better to her.

·         You need to know if she's not into sports, you'll have to explain the rules. Many women find football as difficult to comprehend.

·         You need to know she married you to be with you. Not to get calls from the duck blind.

·         You need to know that what the Bible says about the way you treat your wife impacts how God answers your prayers.

1 Peter 3:7. Look it up.

·         You need to know to watch her dumb romantic movies, especially if she watches your dumb violent ones.

·         You need to know that she wants you to be able to make a decision. Seriously.

·         You need to know to take her shopping and buy her outfits she would never buy for herself.

·         You need to know that just because she goes to your football, baseball, and basketball games doesn't necessarily mean she likes them. She may just like being with you.

·         You need to know googling "estrogen" will help explain what's happening to your life.

·         You need to know she likes dessert. She doesn't want to be asked if she wants it. She just wants you to order it.

·         You need to know she needs her own group of friends. They can save your marriage.

 

Marriage – the facts you need to know - 40

Marriage – the facts you need to know - 40

 

·         You need to know she'll keep 92 products on the counter for her to look like she doesn't wear makeup. Yes, they're in the way. No, don't touch them.

·         You need to know she really won't buy into the notion that men are the stronger sex until there's a noise in the house at 2 a.m.

·         You need to know that, for some reason, she'll think the pair of shoes that make her feet hurt the worst look the best on her. There's nothing you can say.

·         You need to know she doesn't want to compete with a game console.

·         You need to know you can't make her happy all the time, you can't please her all the time, and you can't understand her all the time. You can, however, love her all the time.

·         You need to know that if you leave the toilet seat up only one time, that will be the night she staggers to the bathroom at 2:00 a.m. and plops down in the toilet. You won't be able to run far enough.

·         You need to know women fantasize about divorce if they feel they do a majority of the housework. It doesn't matter if you're a CEO. She wants you to help fold clothes.

·         You need to know she'll put on lipstick before bedtime. She wants to look good going to sleep.

·         You need to know to hold her hand when she wouldn't expect it. Like in a football stadium.

·         You need to know to not try to control her spending. She's an adult.

·         You need to know a woman feels loved when she's cared for.

·         You need to know that the sound of you going to the bathroom and brushing your teeth at the same time scares her.

·         You need to know she'll feel jealous if she thinks you're ignoring her to talk to a pretty woman. She'll say she's not jealous. Then she won't say another word the rest of the night.

·         You need to know you can't fix an angry woman. You can listen to her, feed her, agree with her, and listen to her some more. Try and fix her, and it will be your fault.

·         You need to know she's not fooled when you try to kiss her and keep your eyes on the TV at the same time.

·         You need to know she likes your making passes at her. In fact, if you don't, she'll wonder what's wrong.

·         You need to know if you get in her bathtub, not to touch her bubble bath, skin softener, candles, soap, body bath, loofah, moisturizer, bath pouf, bath salts, bath potions, sponge, or her exfoliating glove. Really it would be best to just stay away.

·         You need to know her emery board is not to be used on your feet in bed.

·         You need to know she secretly believes that if you use her razor on your face, you will give her a staph infection. Somehow though, your razor is perfectly safe for her legs.

 

Marriage – the facts you need to know - 39

Marriage – the facts you need to know - 39

 

·         You need to know teenagers can be sullen, moody, difficult, and frustrating even when there's not a stepparent in their lives. You're not the cause.

·         You need to know your stepkids will decide what to call you. They may not be comfortable with "Mom" or "Dad."

·         You need to know to encourage your stepchildren to have close relationships with both their birth parents.

·         You need to know your new family needs new traditions.

·         You need to know special occasions involving children now include you, your new spouse, your ex spouse, everybody's stepchildren, and everybody's parents.

·         You need to know to stay active in your children's lives, especially if they don't live with you.

·         You need to know that, even after you remarry, the pain over the end of your first marriage may take a long, long time to go away.

·         You need to know why the first marriage didn't work. So you can make sure this one will.

·         You need to know his ex mother-in-law might call. Regularly.

·         You need to remember these four words: "Your hair looks great."

·         You need to know she wants to talk. A lot. Sometimes about the kids. Sometimes about a book she's reading. Sometimes about work. Sometimes when all you want is quiet. Sometimes about stuff you've already talked about—several times before.

·         You need to know women come with hormones.

·         You need to know you have assumed the responsibility of protecting her, caring for her, and providing for her in the physical, mental, sexual, emotional, and spiritual areas of her life.

·         You need to know your job isn't more important than hers.

·         You need to know she needs you to be present mentally when you're there physically.

·         You need to know there is a rule, written down somewhere, that says fathers must take their children for donuts on Saturday morning while mom sleeps in. Don't bother trying to find it. Just follow it.

·         You need to know there will be days when her hormones will be in control of her mind. Love her anyway.

·         You need to know her definition of "shopping" does not include buying clothes for the kids, cosmetics, groceries, pots and pans or buying appliances. Those are necessities. Actually "shopping" is hard to pin down.

·         You need to know women feel it their duty to buy presents for every birthday, anniversary, Christmas, and wedding for everyone in their family. And their friends. And their kids' friends.

·         You need to know she still likes it when you open doors for her.

·         You need to know to say "yes" more than you say "no." This is hard for men.

 

Marriage – the facts you need to know - 38

Marriage – the facts you need to know - 38

 

·         You need to know your children and their children may never be close friends. But, over time, everybody can learn to respect and tolerate one another.

·         You need to know twins can fight like cats and dogs. So it's normal for stepbrothers and stepsisters to have fallings-out.

·         You need to know you're not Cinderella's stepmother. You're not wicked.

·         You need to know that moving into a new home for a fresh start might be easier for everyone.

·         You need to know you'll be tempted to show favoritism to your stepchildren. Then you'll feel so guilty you'll want to buy your own child a car. But he's only twelve.

·         You need to know the relationship you have with your spouse's kids while you're dating will change when you get married. Inevitably.

·         You need to know that, for a while, the stepparent shouldn't be your kids' disciplinarian.

·         You need to know to decide up-front who's paying for what (the mortgage, vacations, private soccer lessons) and for how long.

·         You need to know to make special arrangements for stepkids who visit a few days each week or month. Make sure they have their own bed, toothbrush, toiletries, and clothes so they feel like members of the family. Not visitors.

·         You need to know to wait until you've bonded as a family before you have a new baby together. The children's nerves are frayed enough.

·         You need to know the moment you start referring to the children as "my kids" and "your kids," you're entering deep water.

·         You need to know some things never change, and that includes disagreements over money, noise, discipline, and other everyday ups and downs of family life.

·         You need to know keeping your emotions bottled up didn't work in your first marriage.

·         You need to know a new marriage isn't going to solve your kids' problems. Kids in new families have the same issues as kids in single-parent divorced homes.

·         You need to know it's important to spend time just with your own kids.

·         They need you now more than ever.

·         You need to know to decide who  makes emergency medical decisions for your kids if you're not around. Your ex? Your spouse? Your father?

·         You need to know a will protects your children, but be sure to address the fact that a surviving spouse might be entitled to your estate. Cutting out your kids.

·         You need to know it's a good idea to keep separate personal accounts, but to pool cost-of-living money in a joint account. This is what the rich and famous do.

·         You need to know your stepkids will probably like their grandparents (her ex in-laws) more than they like you. Perfectly normal.

·         You need to know that if you bring children into a marriage, you're going to have to be deliberate about making time for your marriage.

Doing so will only benefit your kids.

 

Marriage – the facts you need to know - 37

Marriage – the facts you need to know - 37

 

·         You need to know just one word when it comes to appreciating parents and in-laws: babysitters.

·         You need to know you might spend more time and money taking care of your parents than your kids.

·         You need to know if he wants to live near Mom or if he'd be willing to move to the city for your career.

·         You need to know that at about the same time your kids are leaving home, his parents could be moving in.

·         You need to know being married again means you were blessed to find comfort and companionship again.

·         You need to know that it is totally possible to get it completely wrong the first time, and completely right the second.

·         You need to know marriage is a sacrament. Even second marriages. Even fourth marriages.

·         You need to know a second marriage often means feeling like a teenager when you . . . well . . . have teenagers.

·         You need to know to make a final emotional divorce from your ex in order to clear the path for your new marriage.

·         You need to know a second marriage presents you with new financial complications: houses, retirement accounts, insurance policies, and . . . of course . . . kids.

·         You need to know the chances are good that problems from your first marriage will carry into your second marriage.

·         You need to know if fear and resentment from your first marriage are complicating the second, it's time to seek counseling.

·         You need to know a second marriage means your children can have a part in your wedding. But they may not want to. Let them decide.

·         You need to know your children and your fiancé's children may harbor fantasies of their parents getting back together. Go slowly.

·         You need to know 65% of remarriages include children from previous families.

·         You need to know your children may not be all that thrilled with the possibility of living with a stepparent.

·         You need to know you're not going to fall in love with your partner's children overnight. In fact, it may take a while.

·         You need to know your stepchildren aren't going to fall in love with you because you're a nice person who gives them money.

·         You need to know it's your job to get to know your spouse's children. And to earn their respect.

·         You need to know you'll struggle with who comes first: your kids or your new spouse.

 

Marriage – the facts you need to know - 36

Marriage – the facts you need to know - 36

 

·        You need to know that when he actually does clean the house, he wants to be praised like he's coming home from battle.

·        You need to know if someone feels like they're doing all the work in a marriage, the marriage is in trouble.

·        You need to know a dishwasher isn't a birthday gift. It's an appliance.

·        You need to know that every family has issues. Even if everything looks perfectly wonderful from the outside.

·        You need to know that marriage fundamentally changes your relationship with your parents.

·        You need to know your husband's ideas are now more important than your mom's.

·        You need to know you have to get along with her family even though she's told you her father was abusive and her mother hears voices. Happy Thanksgiving.

·        You need to know to not let parents buy you too many gifts. They usually come with strings. And guilt.

·        You need to know you shouldn't try and change your wife because your parents believe she could use some improvement.

·        You need to know your own family, no matter what you think, teeters on mental instability.

·        You need to know your mother-in-law will give you some really screwy gifts. Thank her warmly and re-gift them to your cousin's neighbor's housesitter.

·        You need to know you now have to schedule who you'll have holiday meals with. And that might mean two Thanksgiving dinners in six hours.

·        You need to know she probably doesn't want to be compared to her mother. Compare her to Attila the Hun. Compare her to the plague. Just leave out her mother.

·        You need to know to stay out of family feuds. You'll be seeing these same people during the holidays, and they'll remember that you yelled at them.

·        You need to know that if his mom is an addict, your marriage will be that much more interesting.

·        You need to know that if you're marrying someone whose parents are practicing alcoholics, chances are strong something is off the rails in your family too.

·        You need to know to send your mother-in-law flowers every now and then. Untold benefits.

·        You need to know to not tell your mom about every fight. You'll get over it and make up. She won't.

·        You need to know you'll have to be strong enough to tell your dad to butt out. Your spouse is the most important person in your life now.

·        You need to know your parents don't mean to get in the way. They think they're helping.

 

Marriage – The facts you need to know - 35

Marriage – The facts you need to know - 35

 

·         You need to know to look at each other with the same passion and interest as you did ten years ago. The looks of "Did you pay the mortgage?" and "I'm stumbling over your shoes" do nothing for romance.

·         You need to know therapists recommend talking to your spouse about being attracted to another person before you do something stupid. It lessens the likelihood of having to talk to a lawyer later.

·         You need to know if you're drinking without your husband around, any idiot could look good after several hours.

·         You need to know the more you know about each other's past, the better able you'll be to withstand the present strains.

·         You need to know you can always walk away from an affair before it gets started. Even if it means going home to a stressed-out mom of two babies.

·         You need to know women tend to stray because of their need to connect to a man emotionally. Men who don't understand this wind up watching ESPN alone. Real alone.

·         You need to know that having one affair will tend to lead to another.

·         You need to know that an affair means your spouse can never trust you again. She may forgive you. She may go to counseling. She can pray for hours on end. But trust has been shattered.

·         You need to know a husband doing housework is a turn-on for women.

·         You need to know who's going to push the vacuum cleaner and who's going to take out the garbage. You better believe the issue will come up.

·         You need to know whoever works at home is expected to keep the place clean. Even if they are the primary breadwinner.

·         You need to know that even when a wife goes to work and her husband tends the house, she still does most of the housework. It's not a plot. It's reality.

·         You need to know that a successful division of housework depends on what your friends are doing. Husbands will copy other husbands.

·         You need to know a woman can see dirt two or three days before a man does.

·         You need to know that for some weird reason, women don't equate washing the car or changing light bulbs with folding the laundry or scrubbing the toilets.

·         You need to know research indicates 59% of men lose their hearing when a woman asks them to clean the house.

·         You need to know the more you tell him he didn't do housework right the more he'll let you do it by yourself.

·         You need to know there's no such thing as men's chores and women's chores. That kind of thinking puts men on the couch for the night.

·         You need to know there's a difference between obsession and housework. If you're obsessed with keeping everything spotless, don't expect him to share your enthusiasm for Windexing.

·         You need to know a man's inclination is to put things off, while a woman's is to strike before the sun's up. That's why she's vacuuming while he's groggily looking for the coffeemaker.

 

Marriage – the facts you need to know - 34

Marriage – the facts you need to know - 34

 

·         You need to know that if you don't want to spill your guts to a therapist, a marriage education program can work wonders. Check out www.smartmarriages.com.

·         You need to know that if your biggest complaint is that your meals aren't ready when you get home, you don't need couples counseling.

·         Electroshock therapy is what's needed.

·         You need to know that if one person refuses to go to marriage counseling, the other one should still go. Working on yourself never hurts.

·         You need to know a good counselor may not be able to save a bad marriage.

·         You need to know if your marriage counselor is divorced.

·         You need to know if going to the same counselor for six months hasn't helped, it's time to find a new counselor.

·         You need to know where each of you stands on sexual fidelity. You think you know. But make sure.

·         You need to know an affair is more likely to affect your marriage than a divorce. And that happens to 50 percent of marriages.

·         You need to know you can no longer fantasize about other people. Really. It's stupid.

·         You need to know that studies indicate the more sexual partners a person has before marriage, the more likely that person is to stray.

·         You need to know an affair doesn't just happen. It's a decision you make along the way.

·         You need to know research strongly suggests an affair doesn't make you happier. Even if no one finds out.

·         You need to know an affair won't do anything for your self-esteem. Except ruin it.

·         You need to know an affair won't make you feel more beautiful.

·         You need to know it's stupid to use an unsatisfactory sex life as a reason for fooling around. Your partner is having as bad a time as you are.

·         You need to know the reactions of a betrayed spouse resemble those of a soldier after coming home from combat: complete shock.

·         You need to know that husbands and wives under forty are equally capable of straying.

·         You need to know that even in so called "open marriages," infidelity leads to rage, jealousy, and abandonment fears.

·         You need to know that your adultery isn't your spouse's fault.

 

Marriage – the facts you need to know - 33

Marriage – the facts you need to know - 33

 

·        You need to know being married to a rich person who's unfaithful,

Argumentative, and depressed will make you realize money isn't everything.

·        You need to know your kids will think your money is their money.

·        You need to know that if you start saving from the first paycheck, saving will be much easier ten years down the road.

·        You need to know money can help make you happy. And giving it away makes you happier.

·        You need to know you can check your credit report before planning to go to housing loan, there will be no surprises.

·        You need to know to buy life insurance. Yes, it's the price of satellite TV, but it means your family can keep their home if something happens to you.

·        You need to know you can get solid advice on credit and financial problems from experts.

·        You need to know couples who give money back to God at the beginning of the month find they have more money than they expected at the end of each month.

·        You need to know there could be fights over whether or not to donate for religious purpose.

·        You need to know financial security begins with the realization that it's all God's money. He's just giving you some to manage.

·        You need to know the secret to a strong, healthy marriage is two strong, healthy individuals. It's difficult to repair a marriage if one person is nuts.

·        You need to know that when you'd prefer working on sales reports until 8:00 p.m. instead of going home, it's time to seek counseling.

·        You need to know if you'd rather sit in your car than go inside and see your wife, it's time to seek counseling.

·        You need to know if you haven't had sex in three months, it's time to seek counseling.

·        You need to know if you feel like hitting her, it's time to seek counseling.

·        You need to know that if you can't be kind to each other, it's time to seek counseling.

·        You need to know that if you think your husband is a failure, it's time seek counseling.

·        You need to know that if you're fighting over the utility bills, it's time to seek counseling.

·        You need to know that if dirty laundry is causing you to blow a gasket, get a maid. Really, it's much cheaper than divorce court.

·        You need to know there are a million therapists out there, and it's okay to shop around. When you find the right one, you'll both know.