Most of our friendships happen so naturally, we don't even realize how they started.
Sometimes, though, we want to make an effort to befriend a new acquaintance or to become a better friend to those around us.
We scoured the psychological research to find science-backed strategies to get people to like you.
Copy them
This strategy is called mirroring, where you subtly mimic the other persons behavior. When talking to someone, try copying their body language, gestures, facial expressions, vocal tones, or even choice of words.
If your friend smiles, smile with them. If they love talking with their hands, talk with your hands as well. This will make the person you are talking to feel more comfortable and relaxed with you.
Be careful not to take this too far, though. If you make it obvious, it might turn people off.
Spend more time around them
Known as the mere exposure effect, this psychological term means that people like things that are familiar to them. In an experiment by MIT psychologists, researchers found that those who lived closer together found themselves to be closer friends. This is because they can experience more passive, day-to-day interactions with each other — such as greeting each other in the common room or kitchen — so they feel more intimate.
Even if you don't live near your friends, try sticking to a steady routine with them, such as going out for coffee every week or taking a class together.
Compliment other people
People will associate the adjectives you use to describe other people with yourself. This phenomenon is called spontaneous trait transference.
According to Gretchen Rubin, author of "The Happiness Project," "Whatever you say about other people influences how people see you."
If you describe someone else as genuine and kind, people will also associate you with those qualities. The reverse is also true — if you are constantly trashing people behind their backs, your friends will start to associate the negative qualities with you as well.
Be in a great mood
Due to emotional contagion, people are strongly influenced by the moods of other people. According to a research paper from the University of Ohio and the University of Hawaii, people unconsciously feel the emotions of those around them.
If you are always happy and fun to be around, youll make everyone around you feel great, too. The opposite applies as well. According to Rubin, "Negative moods are more contagious than positive moods."
Make friends with their friends
The social network theory behind this is called triadic closure, which means that two people are likely to be closer when they have a common friend. Not only does it give them a shared subject to bond over and a reason to trust each other, but people also enjoy the feeling of having a social circle and closing gaps within their network.
Students at the University of British Columbia designed a program that friends random individuals. They found that their success rate increased as the number of mutual friends increased, from 20% with no mutual friends to close to 80% with more than 11 mutual friends.
Show that you're there for them
In a University of Virginia study, researchers found that those who thought of their close friends while working on difficult tasks found them to be a lot easier. This is because their friends provided them social support.
Participants were instructed to estimate the steepness of a hill they had to climb. When they had a friend with them, they estimated the hill to be less steep. And even when they simply visualized that they had a supportive friend during their climb, the task seemed far easier.
If you can show your friend that they can truly count on you in difficult times, it could make all the difference in your relationship.
Don't be overly effusive
The gain loss theory says that the balance of cost and reward plays a huge role in friendships. Although its counterintuitive, try complimenting your friends less often.
If you compliment them too much, they might question your motives or honesty. However, if you only compliment them once in a while, your actions are more likely to stand out and make them feel good.
Be both warm and competent
Social psychologist Susan Fiske proposed the stereotype content model, which is a theory that people judge others based on their warmth and competence.
Warmth is important because people want to know how good your intentions are. If you can portray yourself as non-competitive and friendly, people will feel like they can help and trust you.
People also value competence because they want to know whether you can act on your intentions. If you are capable of doing good things or have high economic or educational status, people will want to cooperate more with you.
Reveal your flaws from time to time
According to the pratfall effect, your friends will like you more after you make a mistake — but only if they believe you are usually a competent person. Revealing that you aren perfect makes you more relatable and vulnerable toward the people around you.
Researcher Elliot Aronson first discovered this phenomenon when he studied how simple mistakes can impact perceived attraction. He asked male students from the University of Minnesota to listen to tape recordings of people who took a quiz. When people did well on the quiz but spilled coffee at the end of the interview, the students rated them higher on likeability.
Emphasize your shared values
According to a classic study by Theodore Newcomb, people are more attracted to those who are similar to them. This is known as the similarity attraction effect. In his experiment, Newcomb measured his subjects attitudes on controversial topics such as sex and politics, and then put them in a University of Michigan-owned house to live together.
By the end of their stay, the subjects liked their housemates more when they had similar attitudes about the topics that were measured. Shared values are important because they show that you have good taste, validate your friends opinion, reduce conflict, and allow you to share more common experiences together.
CS Lewis sums this up well. He writes, "Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: What! You, too? Thought I was the only one."
Casually touch them
This is known as subliminal touching, which is when you touch a person so subtly that they barely notice. Common examples including tapping someones back or touching their arm, which will make someone will feel more warmly toward you.
In "Subliminal: How Your Unconscious Mind Rules Your Behavior," author Leonard Mlodinow mentions a study in France, where young men stood on street corners and talked to women who walked by. They had double the success rate in striking up a conversation when they lightly touched the womans arms as they talked to them, instead of doing nothing at all.
In a University of Mississippi and Rhodes College experiment that studied the effects of interpersonal touch on restaurant tipping, waitresses briefly touched customers on the hand or shoulder as they were returning their change. Because of the subliminal touch, they earned significantly larger tips.
Deliver the right kind of smile
If you want to deliver a smile with the highest social value, make sure its genuine. According to Bangor University research, people prefer smiles that are genuine much more than those that are merely polite.
In one study, pairs of strangers were introduced to each other. Researchers observed that participants always reciprocated the smile type of the other person, whether it was genuine or polite. However, participants reacted much more quickly to genuine smiles than polite ones, perhaps because they were anticipating them as a form of social reward.
Heres the difference. According to a ScienceDaily article, "Polite smiles, for example, typically occur when sociocultural norms dictate that smiling is appropriate. Genuine smiles, on the other hand, signify pleasure, occur spontaneously, and are indicated by engagement of specific muscles around the eye."
The best type of smile is known as the Duchenne smile, which stands out because it extends the mouth further and makes crows feet at the outer corner of the eyes.
See the other person how they want to be seen
People want to be known in a way that aligns with their own beliefs about themselves. This is known as self verification theory. We all seek confirmations of our views, whether they are positive or negative.
According to a series of studies at Stanford University and the University of Arizona, participants with positive and negative perceptions of themselves were asked whether they wanted to interact with people who had positive or negative impressions of them.
The participants with positive self-views preferred people who thought highly of them, while those with negative self-views preferred critics. This is because people like to interact with those who provide feedback consistent with their known identity.
Tell them a secret
Self-disclosure is one of the best relationship-building techniques. According to research from Stony Brook University, if you increasingly ask deeper questions, you could form a strong friendship in under an hour.
For example, you can build up from asking someone about their last trip to the movie to learning about the people who mean the most to them in life. When you learn intimate information about another person, they are likely to feel closer to you and want to confide in you in the future.
Expect good things from people
According to the Pygmalion effect, people treat others in ways that are consistent with their expectations of them, and therefore cause the person to behave in a way that confirms those expectations.
In a Harvard Magazine article, psychologist Amy Cuddy says, "If you think someones a jerk, youll behave toward them in a way that elicits jerky behaviors."
On the other hand, if you expect someone to be friendly toward you, they are more likely to behave in a friendly manner toward you.
Sometimes, though, we want to make an effort to befriend a new acquaintance or to become a better friend to those around us.
We scoured the psychological research to find science-backed strategies to get people to like you.
Copy them
This strategy is called mirroring, where you subtly mimic the other persons behavior. When talking to someone, try copying their body language, gestures, facial expressions, vocal tones, or even choice of words.
If your friend smiles, smile with them. If they love talking with their hands, talk with your hands as well. This will make the person you are talking to feel more comfortable and relaxed with you.
Be careful not to take this too far, though. If you make it obvious, it might turn people off.
Spend more time around them
Known as the mere exposure effect, this psychological term means that people like things that are familiar to them. In an experiment by MIT psychologists, researchers found that those who lived closer together found themselves to be closer friends. This is because they can experience more passive, day-to-day interactions with each other — such as greeting each other in the common room or kitchen — so they feel more intimate.
Even if you don't live near your friends, try sticking to a steady routine with them, such as going out for coffee every week or taking a class together.
Compliment other people
People will associate the adjectives you use to describe other people with yourself. This phenomenon is called spontaneous trait transference.
According to Gretchen Rubin, author of "The Happiness Project," "Whatever you say about other people influences how people see you."
If you describe someone else as genuine and kind, people will also associate you with those qualities. The reverse is also true — if you are constantly trashing people behind their backs, your friends will start to associate the negative qualities with you as well.
Be in a great mood
Due to emotional contagion, people are strongly influenced by the moods of other people. According to a research paper from the University of Ohio and the University of Hawaii, people unconsciously feel the emotions of those around them.
If you are always happy and fun to be around, youll make everyone around you feel great, too. The opposite applies as well. According to Rubin, "Negative moods are more contagious than positive moods."
Make friends with their friends
The social network theory behind this is called triadic closure, which means that two people are likely to be closer when they have a common friend. Not only does it give them a shared subject to bond over and a reason to trust each other, but people also enjoy the feeling of having a social circle and closing gaps within their network.
Students at the University of British Columbia designed a program that friends random individuals. They found that their success rate increased as the number of mutual friends increased, from 20% with no mutual friends to close to 80% with more than 11 mutual friends.
Show that you're there for them
In a University of Virginia study, researchers found that those who thought of their close friends while working on difficult tasks found them to be a lot easier. This is because their friends provided them social support.
Participants were instructed to estimate the steepness of a hill they had to climb. When they had a friend with them, they estimated the hill to be less steep. And even when they simply visualized that they had a supportive friend during their climb, the task seemed far easier.
If you can show your friend that they can truly count on you in difficult times, it could make all the difference in your relationship.
Don't be overly effusive
The gain loss theory says that the balance of cost and reward plays a huge role in friendships. Although its counterintuitive, try complimenting your friends less often.
If you compliment them too much, they might question your motives or honesty. However, if you only compliment them once in a while, your actions are more likely to stand out and make them feel good.
Be both warm and competent
Social psychologist Susan Fiske proposed the stereotype content model, which is a theory that people judge others based on their warmth and competence.
Warmth is important because people want to know how good your intentions are. If you can portray yourself as non-competitive and friendly, people will feel like they can help and trust you.
People also value competence because they want to know whether you can act on your intentions. If you are capable of doing good things or have high economic or educational status, people will want to cooperate more with you.
Reveal your flaws from time to time
According to the pratfall effect, your friends will like you more after you make a mistake — but only if they believe you are usually a competent person. Revealing that you aren perfect makes you more relatable and vulnerable toward the people around you.
Researcher Elliot Aronson first discovered this phenomenon when he studied how simple mistakes can impact perceived attraction. He asked male students from the University of Minnesota to listen to tape recordings of people who took a quiz. When people did well on the quiz but spilled coffee at the end of the interview, the students rated them higher on likeability.
Emphasize your shared values
According to a classic study by Theodore Newcomb, people are more attracted to those who are similar to them. This is known as the similarity attraction effect. In his experiment, Newcomb measured his subjects attitudes on controversial topics such as sex and politics, and then put them in a University of Michigan-owned house to live together.
By the end of their stay, the subjects liked their housemates more when they had similar attitudes about the topics that were measured. Shared values are important because they show that you have good taste, validate your friends opinion, reduce conflict, and allow you to share more common experiences together.
CS Lewis sums this up well. He writes, "Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: What! You, too? Thought I was the only one."
Casually touch them
This is known as subliminal touching, which is when you touch a person so subtly that they barely notice. Common examples including tapping someones back or touching their arm, which will make someone will feel more warmly toward you.
In "Subliminal: How Your Unconscious Mind Rules Your Behavior," author Leonard Mlodinow mentions a study in France, where young men stood on street corners and talked to women who walked by. They had double the success rate in striking up a conversation when they lightly touched the womans arms as they talked to them, instead of doing nothing at all.
In a University of Mississippi and Rhodes College experiment that studied the effects of interpersonal touch on restaurant tipping, waitresses briefly touched customers on the hand or shoulder as they were returning their change. Because of the subliminal touch, they earned significantly larger tips.
Deliver the right kind of smile
If you want to deliver a smile with the highest social value, make sure its genuine. According to Bangor University research, people prefer smiles that are genuine much more than those that are merely polite.
In one study, pairs of strangers were introduced to each other. Researchers observed that participants always reciprocated the smile type of the other person, whether it was genuine or polite. However, participants reacted much more quickly to genuine smiles than polite ones, perhaps because they were anticipating them as a form of social reward.
Heres the difference. According to a ScienceDaily article, "Polite smiles, for example, typically occur when sociocultural norms dictate that smiling is appropriate. Genuine smiles, on the other hand, signify pleasure, occur spontaneously, and are indicated by engagement of specific muscles around the eye."
The best type of smile is known as the Duchenne smile, which stands out because it extends the mouth further and makes crows feet at the outer corner of the eyes.
See the other person how they want to be seen
People want to be known in a way that aligns with their own beliefs about themselves. This is known as self verification theory. We all seek confirmations of our views, whether they are positive or negative.
According to a series of studies at Stanford University and the University of Arizona, participants with positive and negative perceptions of themselves were asked whether they wanted to interact with people who had positive or negative impressions of them.
The participants with positive self-views preferred people who thought highly of them, while those with negative self-views preferred critics. This is because people like to interact with those who provide feedback consistent with their known identity.
Tell them a secret
Self-disclosure is one of the best relationship-building techniques. According to research from Stony Brook University, if you increasingly ask deeper questions, you could form a strong friendship in under an hour.
For example, you can build up from asking someone about their last trip to the movie to learning about the people who mean the most to them in life. When you learn intimate information about another person, they are likely to feel closer to you and want to confide in you in the future.
Expect good things from people
According to the Pygmalion effect, people treat others in ways that are consistent with their expectations of them, and therefore cause the person to behave in a way that confirms those expectations.
In a Harvard Magazine article, psychologist Amy Cuddy says, "If you think someones a jerk, youll behave toward them in a way that elicits jerky behaviors."
On the other hand, if you expect someone to be friendly toward you, they are more likely to behave in a friendly manner toward you.
