INSTALLING A PROGRAMME

INSTALLING A PROGRAMME


Customer Service: Can you install Love?

Customer: I can do that, I am not very technical, but I think I’m ready to install now. What do I do?

Service: The first step is to open your Heart. Have you located your Heart?

Customer: Yes, I have, but there are several programmes running right now. Is it okay to install while they are running?

Service: What programmes are running?

Customer: Let me see… I have PastHurt.exe, LowEsteem.exe, Grudge.exe and Resentment.com running right now.

Service: No problem. Love will automatically erase PastHurt.exe from your current operating system. It may remain in your permanent memory, but it will no longer disrupt other programmes. Love will eventually overwrite LowerEsteem.exe with a module of its own, called HighEsteem.exe. However, you have to completely turn off Grudge.exe and Resentment.com. Those programmes prevent Love from installing properly. Can you turn them off?

Customer: I don’t know how to turn them off? Can you tell me how?

Service: My pleasure. Go to your Start Menu and invoke Forgiveness.exe. Do this as many times as necessary until Grude.exe and Resentment.com have been completely erased.

Customer: Okay, I'm done. Love has started installing itself automatically. Is that normal?

Service: Yes it is. You should receive a message that says it will reinstall for the life of your Heart. Do you see the message?

Customer: Yes, I do. Is it completely installed?

Service: Yes, but remember that you have only the base programme. You need to begin connecting to other Hearts to get the upgrades.

Customer: It says “Error 412 – Programme not run on internal components.” What does that mean?

Service: Don’t worry, that’s a common problem. It means that the Love programme is set up to run on external Hearts but has not yet been running on your Heart. You have to ‘love your own before it can love others’.

ENGINEER AND WARRANTY

How to take care of your wife

How to take care of your wife

In the world, one single rule applies to the men: Make the Woman happy. Do something she likes, and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played.

Here is a guide to the point system:

SIMPLE DUTIES


-- You make the bed (+1)

-- You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillow (0)

-- You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1)

-- You go out to buy her what she wants (+5)

-- In the rain (+8)

-- But return with Beer (-5)

-- You check out a suspicious noise at night (0)

-- You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing (0)

-- You check out a suspicious noise and it is something (+5)

-- You pummel it with iron rod (+10)

-- It's her pet (-10)

SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS

-- You stay by her side the entire party (0)

-- You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college buddy (-2)

-- Named Tina (-4)

-- Tina is a dancer (-10)

HER BIRTHDAY

-- You take her out to dinner (0)

-- You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar (+1)

-- Okay, it's a sports bar (-2)

-- And it's all-you-can- eat night (-3)

-- It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can- eat night, and your face is painted the colours of your favourite team (-10)

A NIGHT OUT

-- You take her to a movie (+2)

-- You take her to a movie she likes (+4)

-- You take her to a movie you hate (+6)

-- You take her to a movie you like (-2)

-- It's called 'DeathCop' (-3)

-- You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)

YOUR PHYSIQUE

-- You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15)

-- You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it (+10)

-- You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts (-30)

-- You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too." (-8000)

ENJOY THE 'BIG' QUESTION

-- She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5) [Yes, you LOSE points no matter WHAT]

-- You hesitate in responding (-10)

-- You reply, "Where?" (-35)

-- Any other response (-20)

COMMUNICATION

-- When she wants to talk about a problem , you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned _____expression (0)

-- You listen, for over 30 minutes (+50)

-- You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV (+500)

-- She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep (-10000)

FEW WORDS ABOUT WIFE …….

FEW WORDS ABOUT WIFE …….

"I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry." That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste. - David Bissonette

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. - Sacha Guitry

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together. - Hemant Joshi

If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. - Socrates

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them. - Dumas

The great question?... which I have not been able to answer.. is, "What does a woman want? - Sigmund Freud

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me. - Anonymous

"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." - Henny Youngman

"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years." - Sam Kinison

"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage." - James Holt McGavran

"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't.." - Patrick Murray

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up. - Nash

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once... - Anonymous

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to. - Henny Youngman

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. - Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. - Milton Berle

Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy. - Anonymous

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine." - Anonymous

First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"

Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive." - Anonymous

WHAT’S IN A NAME

WHAT’S IN A NAME


An elderly gent was invited to his old friend's home for dinner one evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms - "Honey," "My Love," "Darling," "Sweetheart," "Pumpkin," etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.

While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his host, "I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names."

The old man hung his head. "I have to tell you the truth," he said. "I forgot her name about 10 years ago."

MARRIAGE HUMOUR

MARRIAGE HUMOUR

1. Marriage is not a word. It's a sentence (a life sentence).

2. Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore marriage is an institution for the blind.

3. Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her masters.

4. Marriage is a three-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring and suffering.

5. Married life is full of excitement and frustration: In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.In the third year, they both speak and the NEIGHBOUR listens.

6. Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends.You order what you want, and when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that instead.

7. There was this man who muttered a few words in the church and found himself married. A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced.

8. A happy marriage is a matter of giving and taking; the husband gives and the wife takes.

9. Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad? Father: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it.

10. Son: Is it true Dad? I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her. Father: That happens everywhere, son, EVERYWHERE!

11. Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.

12. They say that when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage it is self-defense.

13. When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a 10-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.

14. There was this lover who said that he would go through hell for her. They got married, and now he is going through HELL.

16. When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

17. Eighty percent of married men cheat in America, the rest cheat in Europe.

18. After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin. They just can't face each other, but they still stay together.

19. Marriage is man and a woman become one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

20. Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After the marriage the "Y" becomes silent.

21. I married Miss right; I just didn't know her first name was Always.

22. It's not true that married men live longer than single men, it only seems longer.

23. Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.

24. A man was complaining to a friend: I HAD IT ALL-MONEY, A BEAUTIFUL HOUSE, THE LOVE OF A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN, THEN POW! IT WAS ALL GONE. WHAT HAPPENED, asked his friend. He says MY WIFE FOUND OUT.

25. WIFE: Let's go out and have some fun tonight. HUSBAND: OK, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway lights on.

26. At a cocktail party, one woman said to another: AREN'T YOU WEARING YOUR RING ON THE WRONG FINGER? The other replied, YES, I, AM. I MARRIED THE WRONG MAN.

27. Man is incomplete until he gets married, then he is finished.

28. It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.

29. A man inserted an ad in the paper - WIFE WANTED. The next day he received a hundred of letters and they all said the same thing - YOU CAN HAVE MINE.

30. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing - either the car is new or the wife is.

.

Interesting Wedding Jokes

Interesting Wedding Jokes

Presented below is a collection of wedding jokes which are sure to tickle the funny bone inside you. This collection of jokes takes a dig at the great institution called marriage. Enjoy this lighter side of marriage with the wedding jokes as mentioned in this section.

Wife Wanted
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds : " Wife Wanted". Next day, he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing "You can have mine."

Ransom
A man received a letter from some kidnappers. The letter said, "If you don't promise to send us $100,000, we promise you we will kidnap your wife." The poor man wrote back, " I am afraid I can't keep my promise but I hope you will keep yours."

A Lucrative Wedding
As a new bride, Aunt Edna moved into the small home on her husband's ranch. She put a shoe box on a shelf in her closet and asked her husband NEVER to touch it.

For fifty long years Uncle Jack left the box alone until Aunt Edna was old and dying. One day when he was putting their affairs in order, he found the box again and thought it might hold something important. Opening it, he found two doilies and $82,500 in cash.

He took the box to Aunt Edna and asked about the contents.

"My mother gave me that box the day we married," she explained. "She told me to make a doily to help ease my frustrations every time I got mad at you."

Uncle Jack was very touched that in 50 years she'd only been mad at him twice.

"What's the $82,500 for?" he asked.

"Oh, that's the money I made selling the rest of the doilies."

What's in a name?
A guy was invited to some old friends' home for dinner. His buddy preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Jaanu, etc.

The guy was impressed since the couple had been married almost 70 years. While the wife was off in the kitchen he said to his buddy: "I think it's wonderful that after all the years you've been married, you still call your wife those pet names."

His buddy hung his head. "To tell you the truth," he said, "I forgot her name about ten years ago."

Visionary Wife
I like the story of the woman who had an artist paint a portrait of her covered with jewels. Her explanation: "If I die and my husband remarries, I want his next wife to go crazy looking for the jewels.

"Father and Son
Son: Is it true? Dad, I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries.
Father: That happens everywhere, son, EVERYWHERE!

The Wrong One
At the cocktail party, one married woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other politely replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."

Cost of Wedding

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" The father thought for a while and replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it."

A Quarrel
After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." And the husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice it."

Shaadi Ke Pehle Shaadi Ke Baad
Shaadi ke pehle - Agar Tum Na Hote

Shaadi ke baad - Agar Tum Na Hote

Shaadi ke pehle - Maine Pyar Kiya

Shaadi ke baad - Maine Pyar Kyon Kiya?

Shaadi ke pehle - Kuchh Kuchh Hota Hai

Shaadi ke baad - Kuchh Nahi Hota Hai

Shaadi ke pehle - Dil To Pagal Hai

Shaadi ke baad - Dil To Pagal Tha

Shaadi ke pehle - Ek Duje Ke Liye

Shaadi ke baad - Sirf Bachcho Ke Liye

Shaadi ke pehle - Dilwale Dulhaniya Le Jayenge

Shaadi ke baad - Baaki Log Sukhi Ho Jayenge

Shaadi ke pehle - Chandramukhi

Shaadi ke baad - Jwaalamukhi

Shaadi ke pehle - Kuwara Baap

Shaadi ke baad - Bechaara Baap

Shaadi ke pehle - Titanic

Shaadi ke baad - Mortgage

Shaadi ke pehle - Hum Aapke Hai Koun?

Shaadi ke baad - Barbadi Ka Kaaran

Shaadi ke pehle - Yes Boss

Shaadi ke baad - Yes Boss

Shaadi ke pehle - Mere Sapno Ki Rani

Shaadi ke baad - Chhutki Ki Amma

Shaadi ke pehle - Kabhi Kabhi

Shaadi ke baad - If you are lucky

Shaadi ke pehle - Aao Pyar Karen

Shaadi ke baad - Aur Bhi Kuch Kaam Karen?